The Legendary MaxSpeak Story of Thanksgiving

Summary

Among Puritan Christian fundamentalists, the Pilgrims were treacherous, murderous swine. The Pilgrims made a treaty with the indigenous people around Plymouth until they had enough forces to wipe them out. This they later did with smallpox and guns, unless they were able to sell them into slavery, all for the greater glory of God.

Wait a minute. That wasn’t quite right. Let’s try it again. Here’s how it goes.

The Puritans in England were subjected to religious persecution, lo unto death. They were not allowed to say ‘Merry Christmas.’ They were compelled to use the preferred pronouns of others. They needed borders, because without borders you don’t have a country. But in order to have borders, you need land. The Puritans tried to settle in the Netherlands, but the people there were all crooked; they refused to accept eminent domain, provide tax subsidies, or hand over land for free. The New World beckoned. It was a land without a people, with first-class hotels and golf courses, and they were a people without a land. Puritan leader John Winthrop promised his followers, “If any who dwell in this new lande there bee, they will greete us as liberators.”

Upon settling around Plymouth, the first Puritans (Pilgrims) began to get along with the Wampanoag Nation. The Wampanoug were lovely people but subject to aggression by immigrants from other Native American groups, who sent murderers and rapists and bad hombres instead of their best. Sad!

The Wampanoag provided thousands, no millions of jobs for the Puritans; their alliance became an outpost of peace and freedom in the New World. Sadly, Puritan relations with the Wampanoag began to deteriorate. It was discovered that human rights violations had been committed by the Wampanoag sachem, Massasoit. The Puritans suddenly realized their ally was actually history’s greatest monster.

As more Puritans arrived, they required more lebensraum. The Wampanoag, like other indigenous peoples, lacked a modern system of property rights. They did not see fit to build fences, put up street signs, or trade in mortgage-backed securities. The Puritans remedied these defects of indigenous civilization. It just happened that through the workings of the dynamic, efficient market, the Puritans ended up owning all the property, and Native Americans themselves became classified as property.

Taking umbrage at this advance of Judeo-Christian civilization, the indigenous people were reduced to terrorism. Some were sufficiently maniacal as to sacrifice their own lives in order to murder innocent settlers. There was a virtual Cult of Death. Underlying this irrationality was a primitive religious belief system that celebrated exterminating one’s enemies, as well as the consumption of locoweed and psychedelic mushrooms. Nobody knew how bad they were. In short, the natives of America hated America. They hated the settlers for their freedom and no longer greeted them as liberators. They meant to extend their dominion over the entirety of Europe by summoning the Great Spirit as a weapon of mass destruction.

As a matter of self-defense, the Puritans were compelled to rise to the challenge of this war of civilizations; they had to get tough by exterminating both the terrorists, their families, and the societies that nurtured them. There was no middle ground; you were with them or against them. The settlers’ periodic, totally accidental slaughter of women and children was tragic, painfully regretted collateral damage. Relatives of the victims were amply compensated with beads and trifles.

Those Native Americans that were willing to live in peace and submit to Biblical law were provided with alternative living arrangements, under the protection of the new government. Sadly, they proved unequal to the rigors of modern society and eventually disappeared, although they were given the opportunity to experience Democratic Capitalism before their demise.

Today we, “the people who build square things,”celebrate Thanksgiving as a tribute to their memory, and to the invaluable assistance they unselfishly provided to the Christian conquest of America.

Now please pass the gravy, and have a Happy Thanksgiving, from all the MaxSpeak mispochah.